Thursday, July 27, 2006

Shanghai Screwed - Mike and Jenny, Business Experts?

When is a foreign trade mission not a foreign trade mission? When the NDP heads it up of course!
It seems that NDP leader in waiting Mike "A Heartbeat Away" Farnworth and fellow Dipper, the Economic Critic, Jenny "Show Me Da Money" Kwan are away on a China trade mission. In fact, this intrepid Poly has learned from our operatives living in China that Farnworth and Kwan are visiting Guangdong, Shanghai and Hong Kong to "...promote BC business opportunities open a BC Trade Office."
So let's see...the two Dippers who were around during such great 1990's business lessons as "buy high and sell low" (fast ferries); do not invest in nursing school positions; high unemployment and a poor economy stimulates growth; giving your friends Casino licenses creates jobs; and a fudge-it budget is a tasty delight, are now representing the needs of BC business overseas?! What's next, Adrian Dix giving ethics lessons?
The Guangdong visit is being co-ordinated by Mr. Zhenghua Li, Director of the International Relations Office of the Guangdong Provincial Government. While there, our (snicker) "NDP business experts" (snicker) met with Mr. Li and Ms. Wan Wang of the International Office of Guangdong Province. However, they we unable to meet with the Governor or Vice-Governor Tang Bing Quan as they were tipped off that Mike and Jenny were NOT there on official BC Government business. Our operatives have told us, now that the two Dippers have been outed, they will have problems in their upcoming Shanghai and Hong Kong meetings. Tisk, tisk.
Perhaps the folks in China remembered that when the REAL Minister of Economic Development, Colin Hansen, had already visited Asia from May 19th to June 4th he had a better understanding of economics and business development than our Dipper twosome. Mostly because Hansen was not referring to a copy of "Business for Dummies". To say that the Chinese officials are upset that the NDP reps have no ability to establish trade or set up a "BC Trade Office" and are really just wasting everyone's time, is an understatement.
So if this trip is not official business of the BC Government - who is paying for this vacation to the Orient? Well, as of press time our collect calls to Mike and Jenny in China were not answered. However, our China contacts tell us that Chinese officials are actually learning a lot from Mike and Jenny - mostly by doing the very opposite of whatever they suggest.

Wednesday, July 12, 2006

Ralston's Financial Plan: 1 - Answer emails from Nigeria; 2 - Give them money; 3 - Profit!

With British Columbia doing so well under the BC Liberal Government as can be seen with 100% of the public service contracts signed before the deadline (including one with the BCTF); our thriving economy and with the unemployment rate at a 31 year low (4.6%) it's hard to believe that financially, things could be better. But according to newly crowned NDP Finance Opposition Critic Bruce "The Evil Laugher" Ralston, he can make it better.
How you may ask? Our sources tell us he is using his overseas contacts to infuse over $100 million US into the coffers in Victoria. Which overseas contacts? Specifically, Nigeria.
"Yes indeed Brucey is on the ball with this one," Ralston spokesperson Mo T. Burn declared. "I have seen his plan and it is great! Simple and great...thus making it simply great!"
It seems that Ralston has received dozens of emails, commonly known as the "Nigerian Letter Scam", and believes this is the road to making those millions.
"Scam, what scam?", the Burnster asked excitedly. "Since Ralston was the former Chair and Board of Director with Vancity Credit Union he knows what he is doing. In fact, his being the BC NDP President during the 1990's means he is more than qualified to identify a scam, and this my friend, ain't no scam."
Ummm...interesting and somewhat impressive pedigree...and Ralston's background is kinda neat-o too...until you look a wee, bit closer.
" need to look closer," Burn exclaimed. "Just know that his plan is great!"
"Well come on," an exasperated Burn spat. "What's wrong with any of that? Ralston doled out the $1 million just before the election, sucked up to his BCGEU friends, gave the cash to the NDP backed Centre for Policy Alternative because he had to. You also left out that he gave over NDP membership lists to the Credit Union to use for, well, whatever they wanted. You missed that one reporter bird."
Yes, Burn is right. Ralston did all that because...
"He was the BC NDP President at the time and during those good ol' days of the 1990's. Booya!", Burn cried.
It's true. But strange that Ralston's website does not list his Dipper Presidency in his bio. Something to hide? Either way, as Finance Critic, it does not make sense for Ralston to solicit funds via emails.
"It makes complete sense!", Burny countered. "Look, when my man Bruce donated funds to the BC Liberal Party while running as an NDP MLA - he was hedging his bet...very smart! Brucey also does not tolerate crap...he does not tolerate non NDP mental health advocates speaking at his events. Just read this copy I have here:
Perhaps the highlight of the night, in terms of the media, would be the drama that unfolded at the mike. Ralston had told the audience that the next in line to ask a question could not, because he was not an NDP member. The man, one Roderick Lewis, a mental health advocate, was asked to leave the mike but adamantly refused. At which point a loud and disruptive discussion erupted between Lewis and Ralston, by then all the four major TV outlets had their cameras descending on Lewis, and Ralston to avoid criticism, allowed Lewis to speak his mind. While Lewis was going on and on about his mental illness binge, NDP rank and file were berating and using expletives to try and drown out Lewis. It was a moment of high drama indeed, as I noticed the police at the doors to the auditorium.
Take THAT non Dipper man! And finally, when it was time for the B-Man to become MLA, he handpicked his friend Jeff Fox, the BCGEU Director of Organizing and Field Services to take over as President of the BC NDP so you know that Brucey knows how to take care of his union friends. In short, BR is a leader!"
Ok...but that still does not take away from the fact that the Nigerian letter scam is just that...a SCAM and does not show Mr. Ralston has any clue of what is involved with being financially responsible for the Province.
"No way! This is NOT a scam! As I said before, as the past President of the BC NDP during the 1990's, with everything he saw going on, Bruce would certainly know a scam!"
You would think so...thankfully, most BCers do.

Friday, July 07, 2006

Fish and Dips II - Oh, Those Sneaky Dippers!

Our palatial BC Poly Blog office in the heart of Seattle, WA received dozens of phone calls, faxes and emails from angry Port McNeill, BC residents during the past week. It appears our favourite BC NDP MLAs Claire "Ducks and Fish Are Funny" Trevana and Gregor "Hey! Jesus Liked Fish - Maybe He'll Now Like Me!" Robertson are at it again and the Port McNeill-ites - or Rita MacNeils as our research department told me they are often referred to as - are not gonna take it...NO! They ain't gonna take it. They're not gonna take it anymore.
The Special Committee on Sustainable Aquaculture - Chaired by NDPer Robin "I'm Like a Bird" Austin and featuring six NDP and four BC Liberal MLAs - were scheduled to hold a series of public hearings and site visits throughout the North Island. Just hours before the June 27th public meeting in Port McNeill at the Community Hall (book your 2007 wedding NOW!) Claire privately requested of the Committee - well, just the NDP majority on the committee - that they do NOT visit the Englewood Packing facility scheduled for the next day. This is a plant with over 140 employees where they are running at a very high capacity processing " excess of 30 million pounds whole fish and 3.5 million pounds of fillets annually." The "committee" opted to visit the Pan Fish Alpha plant in Port Hardy - a plant 60 kilometres away and not in operation. One angry caller opined, "This is bullshit, they could have visited both plants easily."
So did the usually mild mannered Rita MacNeil-ites take this lying down? NO! Did these folks believe they were getting proper representation from their fashion Diva MLA Claire Trevana? NO! Does anyone in North America really understand the offside rule in World Cup soccer? NO!
When the Englewood people heard that their long scheduled meeting with the Committee was canceled, one on-looker described employees as "they were some pissed".
The floor production people organized themselves and when their shift was over at 5pm, more than sixty "some pissed", yet proud, Englewood employees traveled to the Port McNeill Community Hall and arranged a reception for Claire and company. The Englewood-ites wore their production smocks and aprons and had a large banner which read, "You wouldn't come to us so we came to you!" (see photo). The employees along with other angry folks surrounded the building and, as one on-looker wrote to this intrepid Poly, "...blocked the entrance to the community hall and confronted the committee members as they arrived." These mighty, mighty Rita McNeill-ites - much like their namesake - could not be moved.
When the Liberal representatives of the Committee arrived they were informed by the protestors that they would not be visiting the Englewood Plant the next morning. Upon hearing this news, the Liberal MLAs agreed to keep their promise and visit the plant. There was much elation as these MLAs entered the hall. Perhaps someone in the crowd yelled, "Hey! Thanks BC Liberal MLAs. Now I have a better understanding of how you were able to settle all the public service contracts before the deadlines including a fair agreement for our beloved teachers while making sure our economy is one of the best in Canada. Hey! Your reasoned approach to our problem today shows me how your Party - the BC Liberals - are way up in the polls and how your Government is like so totally awesome!" Yes, perhaps someone indeed yelled this out.
But now, the fun began.
Gregor "Hey! Is Aquaman Gonna Be On This Aquaculture Committee?" Robertson (admittedly, if Aquaman were on the Committee, that would be cool) tried to blend in the with crowd and sneak in the back door of the hall. When the protestors saw him and asked him why he was not going through the front door - where more protesters with signs and camera were stationed - he at first denied he was Gregor Robertson the MLA! Well, this makes sense. I mean, would YOU admit to being Gregor?
Claire then arrived late and it appeared she was going to run away as she and NDP "Leader" [sic.] Carole "I'm Against Farmed Fish Unless It Is Served At An NDP Fundraiser" James did at another fish related event in 2005. A source close to Claire shared that she arrived late in the hopes of avoiding the protesters - especially the ones holding anti-Claire signs (see photo). However, much like hoping the NDP would ask original questions during question period, this was not to be. When asked on the steps of the hall why she was not visiting the Englewood plant Claire mumbled something about scheduling problems. When the protestors suggested she was giving them the verbal equivalent of a falsified Adrian Dix memo, she stormed away into the hall where she was met with a chorus of boos from the crowd of 130.
Victory for Englewood and the Rita MacNeil-ites as they cheered in delight.
Up, on the stage Claire looked pissed that she was caught shirking her responsibilities and busted for trying to sidetrack the Committee. A confused Gregor tried to consol her by saying, "Don't be sad, maybe Aquaman will be at the next meeting."

Tuesday, July 04, 2006

Ballad of the SS BC NDP

What does Captain Edward John Smith, Captain Joseph Hazelwood and BC NDP Leader Carole James have in common? Why, they all were the captains of doomed ships.
"Arahhh, this is not a fair comparison," noted nautical expert, Captain Highliner declared. "I mean an iceberg and a reef off the coast of Alaska were not nearly as obvious as the events leading up to the Ipsos-Reid poll."
The doomed Titantic's hull only wished it could take as many hits the BC NDP have taken before sinking. Ever since the latest Ipsos-Reid poll came out last month showing the NDP's rating with the public sinking to 2001 levels, while the BC Liberals are approaching historic highs, the NDP have been stuck as to what to do. In fact, the NDP have been down right silent. Well, almost.
"Arahhh, that be true. You see Captain Carole James is now making important changes on the SS BC NDP.", Highliner said.
Really? Like changes in policy? Perhaps distancing themselves from their union puppet masters?
"Arahhh, no...nothing so time or effort consuming like that", Highliner scoffed. "Rather she's giving the preverbal deck chairs a healthy shuffle."
That's right. Without the Government shuffling their Cabinet Ministers, James has shuffled her "shadow cabinet" - without giving an explation. However, she did take the time to have this quote attributed to her. BTW - if you think the writing on this intrepid Poly is creative, check this out:
Hahahahahahaha! "Under my leadership"? A "pro-growth agenda"? Oooh, boy. Has James finally lost it?
"Arahhh, quite possibly mate, quite possibly.", Highliner began. "When you are chasing the thing most elusive to ya, that thing can make you crazy in a Moby Dick kinda way."
So what is it that James is chasing?
Ok, I get it. But could the NDP not move in a positive direction by speaking on the big issues in our province? For example, the BCTF and Government agreed to a contract this past Friday, thus preventing a strike which would have kept our province's approximately five billion students (figure may be slightly off) out of the classroom, however nothing from the NDP - including their website.
"Arahhh, that's because Jinny Sims nor Vaughn Palmer ain't be telling them yet what to say," Highliner exclaimed. "'Cause the wrong word from the lips of James and that scurvy dog of a first mate, Mike Farnworth will be fixing for a mutiny!"
On the surface, it does not appear that merely moving her drowning MLAs from one position to another will be enough to save the NDP. In fact the biggest move could / should have been James stepping down as leader! So what is next?
"Arahhh, you have to know that James has a plan."
What would that be?
"She be planning on holding a team building exercise on board something called the Hindenburg."
We can only hope.